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How to Help a Friend

At times you may wonder how to help a friend who is in distress. In most instances sharing your concern and listening to your friend in a non-judgmental and supportive way is the best help you can provide.

At times, however, a friend's problems are more serious and this approach may not be enough. If any of the following apply, encourage your friend to reach out for professional help:

If your friend…

  • is always in distress of some kind
  • rarely seems to feel better for more than a little while
  • is isolating from family or close friends
  • stops bathing or grooming
  • is using an excessive amount of alcohol or other drugs
  • seems to be ruining close relationships with others
  • severely restricts calories, exercises excessively or binges/purges
  • feels desperate or hopeless that things will change
  • talks about wanting to hurt themselves or hurt someone else
  • has problems that are starting to feel overwhelming to YOU

In these cases it may be helpful to:

  • Tell your friend that you're concerned about them. Say that you've noticed that they are in a lot of distress and ask what you can do to help. Avoid judgmental or provocative statements and instead focus on the facts (e.g.., "You aren't coming to class much and you seem really down all of the time," "Some of us have noticed that you aren't around much and we're worried about you").
  • Ask if your friend has considered talking to a professional counselor. Give them information about the Student Counseling Service and, if you are comfortable doing so, offer to accompany them to the first appointment and wait in the waiting room while they speak with a clinician.
  • Talk confidentially with a member of the Campus Awareness and Risk Evaluation team. This committee can meet with the student, help determine what needs they might have, and coordinate with other campus offices to assist the student.

In spite of your best efforts, sometimes friends just won't be receptive to your suggestions. In those cases it can be helpful to remind your friend that you are there if needed and then to respect your friend's wish not to get help. A major exception to this is when a friend has talked about wanting to hurt or kill themselves or someone else. In these cases it is imperative that you get your friend help.

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Helping a Suicidal Friend

People who are thinking about killing themselves may communicate this in some way to close friends or family. They may talk directly about their plans or talk indirectly about feeling that life is unbearable and that there is no solution to their difficulties. You should take such statements seriously and not assume that the person is only temporarily upset, seeking attention, or that the situation will resolve itself.

If you suspect that a friend is suicidal:

  • Ask directly about suicide. Be as calm as possible. Ask, "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Ask if your friend has a specific suicide plan. Remember that some suicidal people do not have an immediate plan but still need help.
  • Do not try to handle the situation alone. If you believe that your friend is going to harm themselves, do not leave them alone. Contact someone who can provide immediate assistance:
    • Public Safety at 315-464-4000 (24 hours a day)
    • You also can call 911 or take your friend to the nearest emergency room.
    • Contact Crisis Hotline at 315-251-0600 for 24/7 support and referral
  • If you are concerned that a friend is potentially suicidal but not at immediate risk, reach out for assistance to navigate the situation. This could include:
    • Talking with your Resident Assistant or close friends/family members.
    • Contacting the Student Counseling Service at 315-464-3120
    • Discussing your concerns with the Director of Student Health (315-464-4260) or the Dean of Student Affairs (315-464-4816)
  • Be non-judgmental. This is not a time to argue about morals, challenge the validity of the person's feelings or try to make them feel guilty. Encourage your friend to consider other options and to make a specific plan for how to get help.
  • Do not be sworn to secrecy. It is better to risk your friend's anger than to take chances. Don't promise to keep secrets, but do promise to help the person in whatever way you can
  • Communicate that you care. Let your friend know that you have hope for their future and that you will be there to help.
  • Give your friend the phone number for 24-hour crisis resources, such as Contact (315-251-0600) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988).
  • Take good care of yourself, too. Helping a friend in distress can be frightening, exhausting, and frustrating.
If you are uncomfortable talking directly with your friend or feel uncertain about what you should do, talk with someone you trust. You also can contact Student Counseling at 464-3120 to discuss your concerns.

Other resources

National Suicide Prevention Life Line
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
https://afsp.org/

The SemiColon Project
https://projectsemicolon.com/about-project-semicolon/

Crisis Text Line
Text: START at 741-741

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