Responding to Grieving Families—Tips & Advice

How You Can Help

Listen
Touch
Cry with the family.
Attend the funeral/memorial service.
Remember them on their baby's due date, birthday, and death day anniversaries.
Never Forget.

What Can You Say?

"I'm sad for you."
"How are you all doing with all of this?"
"This must be hard for you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm here, and I want to listen."

What NOT To Say

"You're young, you can have others."
"You have an angel in heaven."
"Better for this to happen now, before you knew the baby."
"There was something wrong with the baby anyway."
"God only gives us what we can handle."
Calling the baby a "fetus" or "it".

Remembrances You Can Give The Family

Baby ring
Planter/flowers in a baby vase
Original poem
Tree or rose bush as a living memorial
Needlework
Photographs
Keepsakes

Suggestions For Helping Grieving Families

Do listen more than you talk.
Do allow for silence.
Do answer their questions and refer these to the most appropriate people.
Do refer to the baby by name (if they have named the baby) and talk about special features of the baby.
Do be genuine and caring.
Do allow them to express their feelings and tell their story without passing judgement.
Do reach out to bereaved parents and acknowledge their loss.
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much.
Do ask about the funeral or memorial service (if there was one.)
Do ask about other family members (siblings, spouses, grandparents.)
Do talk with mothers and fathers and include other significant family members.
Do ask if they have any special requests of you.
Do remember to call them on special occasions or give them a call to let them know you were thinking of them.

More Suggestions

Don't dominate conversation.
Don't ask one question after another without a break.
Don't use cliches:
- "I know just how you feel."
- "At least you have other children."
- "You can always have another."
- "At least you didn't really know your baby."
- "This will bring your family closer."
Don't pass judgement. ("You should be feeling better by now.")
Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. (Avoidance adds pain; acknowledgement of their loss is what they need.)
Don't change the subject when they talk about their dead baby.
Don't answer a question you don't have the answer to.
Don't give advice, particularly medical or legal, unless you are an MD or a lawyer.
Don't make comments that suggest they or their baby received inadequate care.
Don't make comments that they should have received care sooner. (They already have doubt and guilt.)
Don't talk only with mothers. (Include fathers and children.)
Don't personalize comments but identify emotions. (i.e. "It sounds like you're pretty angry.")

*Selected portions of the preceding suggestions are taken from the following resources:

When A Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping by Rana Limbo and Sara Wheeler, Copyright La Crosse Lutheran Hospital, 1986.
RTS Bereavement Services Counselor Manual Copyright La Crosse Lutheran Hospital, RTS Bereavement Services, 1992.