Talk to Each Other The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Forum.
The January 2006 Forum presented "I Felt Abandoned" by Anonymous. The writer described her experience with sponsorship. "I felt abandoned, scared, deceived, and confused. Al-Anon is not supposed to be a dictatorship!" The writer asked how others have dealt with personal sponsorship. Thank you to all who responded.
"First of all I can't understand why this article was printed in the magazine, especially when what this person says doesn't paint a very good picture of Al-Anon as a whole. Tradition Four reads: "Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole." This article certainly affects Al-Anon, Alateen, and Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole. "I have no idea who this person may be. However, it is obvious this person has been deeply affected by alcoholism and unfortunately she has no solution and has not worked the Twelve Steps that were given to us by A.A., as prescribed from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous . This person claims to have been desperate. However, she is still very much in control of her life, people, places, and things. "She describes how she was trying to control her Sponsor, group members, and Al-Anon. This person tried to tell her Sponsor how to sponsor her. As all of us who have lived in active alcoholism, she is in full flight from reality and has a serious perception problem. It is reflected in all the lies she tells throughout the article. "People who cannot or will not surrender to this simple program will continue to be unhappy wherever they go when they find out that they cannot control others or the group. It does not matter how fast they run, they can never get away from themselves. Until this person changes on the inside, she will not receive anything on the outside. "Hearing the truth over and over may bring her to the point of desperation where she will do anything to surrender to a solution of any magnitude. It is a spiritual axiom that whenever we are disturbed, there is something wrong with us. It is not the Sponsor's fault, it is not the group's fault, and it is not Al-Anon's fault. We can only pray that this person may one day, through prayer, hear the truth. "Unfortunately by putting this article in The Forum, where newcomers and those outside of Al-Anon can read it, it paints an unfavorable picture of Al-Anon and sponsorship, the two things that save millions of lives from the devastating effects of alcoholism." By Janet S., Montana
"I have been an active member of Al-Anon for more than 28 years and I have observed this particular problem within our Assembly Area and understand there are various networks of this type of group throughout the country. I am glad that Al-Anon Family Groups printed this article in The Forum to bring better awareness that there is a problem. "It is my concern that we all must be examples of how this program works and not show our worst character defects, one of which is usually control that dominates and escalates some egos. "Here are a few things to look at if you feel your group is a high pressure group. 1. If you are pressured to recruit members soon after joining. 2. If you begin to feel guilty or unworthy as a person. 3. If the group encourages you to put the group before all other commitments, including your family and children. 4. Does the group claim to have all of the answers? ". . . Where are the newcomers supposed to learn about trust if their Fourth Step has been passed around to everyone? How humiliating! My biggest fear is that an Al-Anon member's family member is going to appear on a talk show saying his/her sister joined a group called Al-Anon and it is nothing but a cult. "Many Al-Anon members in our Assembly Area have also observed the behavior and for several years we have left it alone and turned our heads away,not due to denial, but due to the fact that each group is autonomous. However, in the last couple of years, these types of meetings are multiplying and many of us have felt it is time to put our foot down and speak up. "I think we all need to address this issue and not let this behavior continue. We just gotta stop 'em! This is not Al-Anon as it was taught to me by a loving Sponsor. I was shown by example, not by control, dictatorship, and ego." By Anonymous in Southern California
"Your story reminded me of my own weakness for being dominant. It reminded me how the wonderful tools of Al-Anon, such as regular attendance at meetings and sponsorship, are guidelines. If they are inflexible guidelines, they become rules that are oppressive. For me this inflexibility of guidelines becoming rules is an effect of the disease of alcoholism. I want to control people, places, and things; I am motivated by my fear. "Our Conference Approved Literature reminds me that the three obstacles to success in Al-Anon are discussion of religion, gossip, and dominance. Those are good guidelines for my own behaviour and what is appropriate behaviour for other members. Your experience certainly showed me how much of an obstacle to success dominance is.. . . ". . . I am sorry to hear of your experience and happy you have returned to Al-Anon. Possibly not everyone is able to do so after a similar experience, which is another reminder of how important it is that my meeting is healthy and I am healthy for the most important person at the meeting,the newcomer.. . ." Love Rose S, Al-Anon member from New Zealand
"I, too, was part of a similar group my first year in the program. My Sponsor encouraged me to get into service and order a Service Manual. As I began to study the Twelve Traditions, I began to notice huge differences in what I was reading and the way the group operated. "I began to ask questions and that soon caused me to leave the group. It wasn't a happy affair. My Sponsor told me that if I was going to leave, I had to tell the people I sponsored to get another Sponsor in the group. It tore my heart out. I loved those women so much. I nearly walked away from Al-Anon all together. "My new Sponsor encouraged me to do a Fourth Step inventory on what had happened to me. No holds barred,including taking my previous Sponsor's inventory. Wow, was that scary after having been vehemently told that I wasn't ever to do that! It was cathartic. Gratefully my new Sponsor did not let me live in that space for very long. After many tears and lots of anger, she asked me what part I had played in the whole mess. I found some answers myself and my Sponsor also asked me to write a list of the positive things I had learned from my former Sponsor. The truth was, despite the pain and domination I had experienced in that group, I had been introduced to service. "Nearly 20 years later I can say I am grateful for the past experience. I am still in service and I have a very loving Sponsor, too.. . . My goal has been and continues to be living in the solution. The Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of this wonderful fellowship continue to support me in my recovery from the effects of alcoholism. To the best of my ability, I love the women I sponsor in their journey to recovery and I am vigilant in not becoming an authority on how people recover. I thank my Higher Power daily for this great fellowship and will do my best to make sure it is here for the next newcomer." Sue W. California
"Whatever meeting she was attending, it sure wasn't Al-Anon. It is one thing to have a group where people hold service positions too long because no one else is willing to take on the positions and we're too mutually dependent to just let them go empty. Or the same people chair most of the time because the meeting has so many newcomers. It is quite another to have controlling, crazy people trying to run everyone's life.. . . ". . .All we can do for the crazy dictators is pray for them. It is tragic that with a wonderful program like Al-Anon, they refuse to use the Steps and Traditions to find peace and serenity for themselves. In my book, it is criminal for them to get in the way of other members' growth and it is especially heinous to scare away newcomers." Chris S., Bellingham, Washington
"I had a similar experience with a 'home group' that I now believe is not Al-Anon at all, but an exclusive, high pressure group that is run by one woman, the infamous 'longtimer.' I was told that sponsorship is sacred and that to question, interrupt, or do anything contrary to Sponsor direction was defiant, disrespectful, ungrateful, unwilling, and "self-will run riot." "I was so desperate when I joined Al-Anon that the structure and control of the group appeared to be the stability and consistency I craved my whole life after growing up in an alcoholic home. The group was an attraction to me because I wanted to belong to something and feel like I had power over alcoholism, which ironically is the opposite of Step One! You see, if I did what I was told,attended enough meetings, worked my Steps exactly right, and kept commitments to my group first,then I could somehow ensure alcoholism would no longer cause me pain. I would be a 'winner' in recovery! "That false sense of security caused me great pain when my husband relapsed after almost nine years of sobriety. My Sponsor from that group refused to take my phone calls in the late evening because I had too much time in the program to be calling in the middle of the night. She kept telling me to do what she would do if she were in my situation, but she wasn't. Her husband was still sober! I could go on and on about the damage, but I need to voice my recovery and the solution I have found.. . . ". . . When my world collapsed and the group could no longer keep alcoholism from penetrating my sober home, I sought help. I began attending other meetings,gasp,which was frowned upon, but I had to find someone who would listen to me without criticizing or giving advice. I was hurting and needed to find unconditional love. "I also dove into the literature and began to read the true Al-Anon program, which is such a beautifully gentle way to live a better life. I felt great relief as I discovered it really is okay to love an alcoholic,even one who has relapsed from sobriety. "I began to pray for a new Sponsor and how to leave the Sponsor I had and the group I was in. I finally mustered the courage to risk leaving and I felt like a newcomer all over again. "I found a woman who seemed to hear my heart. She made me laugh and treated me with such kindness. She assured me that my husband's relapse was not my fault and certainly not a result of the strength of my program. She shared, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." She helped me find a Higher Power by refusing to let me put her on a pedestal. She told me it was more important that I share with her openly and honestly than whether I live my life as she thinks is best. "I have done that. In fact, there have even been times when I have made decisions that my Sponsor didn't really agree with. She cheered me on with encouragement, telling me that by taking responsibility for my own life, I would get better. She promised to be my friend no matter what. "Healthy sponsorship felt awkward for a while, as I kept waiting for the bottom to fall out. We have not had a blow out yet. We continue to share with each other experience, strength and hope. She is not looking down to me, but across. "One last thing, I have many people in Al-Anon that I consider to be in my circle of support, not just my Sponsor. I have learned God is much more flexible and creative than I once believed. And no matter how much I mess things up or other people seemingly mess up my life,God is big enough and he will straighten it out. "I am no longer afraid of these women,I don't belong to their group anymore. I am a proud and grateful member of the worldwide fellowship (not dictatorship) of Al-Anon." By Sarah R., Costa Mesa, California
". . . Each week I attend three different groups and with my service work, I visit other groups in our district. I get to see how Tradition Four, 'Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole, ' helps maintain healthy Al-Anon groups.. . . ". . . My Sponsor is a kind, gentle, loving woman who has sponsored me in a kind, gentle, loving way. She lets me travel this journey of recovery at my own pace.. . ." By Judy E., Kansas
"My first Al-Anon meeting was with a cult group like the one you attended. They had a leader and no one spoke unless she gave permission. The end of every meeting was devoted to her wisdom, even when it meant embarrassing a 'sponsored' by revealing personal information about that person. "The woman Al-Anon leader was married to the male A.A. leader. They also held joint meetings where spouses were not allowed to sit together or communicate and they collected money from both groups. Their story was a violent one, she shot him and went to prison. This was told to put fear into the newcomers. "I was given a young Sponsor who told me to put my head between my knees and humble myself. I refused. I also refused to attend three meetings a week and call my Sponsor every day. My spouse and my psychologist told me this was not Al-Anon. My psychologist told me that this cult was very dangerous. He said people who were very disturbed by the disease of alcoholism or suicidal could be pushed over the edge by these groups. "I got out fast before anyone there could humiliate me more than the disease had tried to do. There is no love in this cult. I went to another group in another city and found the true Al-Anon. I listened at meetings and chose my second Sponsor. After completing my Steps I decided I needed more than she could offer, so I let her go with love. I listened again and chose again. "Newcomers or sponsored have rights in Al-Anon,that was one of my first lessons. We have the right to choose, say no, and decide what direction our life will take. I have had the same Sponsor for almost 17 years, even though we live in different states. My spouse and I have a great marriage because we both have program. "This cult eventually sent recruiters around to other groups. When they told our group that people who hadn't done the first three Steps shouldn't share in meetings, I told them that everyone was equal and everyone had something of value to share. They stopped coming to our meeting. "Some of us complained to the World Service Office about the cult. Many letters were written and the Intergroup President tried to make changes. This cult even owns property and charges a lot of money to go to meetings. They infiltrated all levels of Al-Anon. Traditions are suggestions and all groups are autonomous, but these cults are not Al-Anon and should not be allowed to carry the Al-Anon name. Newcomers should be warned of the dangers. This cult even tells people whom to marry. "If anyone belongs to this horrible cult, get out fast. They are sicker than you are, believe me. Al-Anon is a beautiful program when it is practiced according to the suggestions of our founders. It works well. This is a program of 'Progress Not Perfection.' Anyone who thinks they are perfect is sick. If you don't like a group, attend another and another. Your heart will let you know if and where you belong. 'Keep Coming Back.' Hopefully someone will stop the madness of this cult." By Anonymous
"I met a woman who spoke of how she would say a prayer for people lesser than herself. She called it the poor man's prayer. At meetings she shared about people who were, in her opinion, not working a good program. I, therefore, assumed she must have a good program of her own. She told me that anyone who hadn't worked all Twelve Steps in the first year was a loser. "She grew up in the same neighborhood I grew up in and we had very similar childhoods. We both enjoyed hiking and biking. We lived near each other and liked each other. I thought I had found the perfect Sponsor. Lucky for me, she fired me after five weeks. "On the final week, she said we should meet to 'talk about my recovery.' She told me I wasn't working a good program, I didn't take Al-Anon seriously, and she was becoming increasingly resentful of me. She said she was unable to continue sponsoring me. "I told her I thought she was assuming a lot of things and she said I had no argument. I told her I did not want to argue. I left crying, thinking I did not have a good program and would never achieve her level of perfection. Then I felt the weight of my six Conference Approved Al-Anon books in my little canvas bag, which reminded me of all the kind and encouraging members I had met. I wiped the tears from my eyes and knew for the first time that I did have a good program and I could continue on my spiritual quest without her!" Grateful in California
"I like to be asked to share on sponsorship at meetings because I truly know what it is supposed to be and what it is not supposed to be. If you are wondering whether you have the right Sponsor,just read the pamphlet on sponsorship [Sponsorship, What It's All About (P-31)]. If that isn't what you have, then get a new one. "Thanks so much for your courage writing the article for The Forum magazine. I am sure we came out of the same group. My AA husband, Alateen children, and I were in groups like that for over 20 years, so you can just imagine how emotionally, spiritually, and financially damaged we were when we gained our freedom and left. The longtimers of these groups, who also happened to be our Sponsors, stole people's souls,which is just plain devil's work. They decided who would date whom, who would marry whom, and who would or would not have children. Unfortunately it was the only Al-Anon and AA my family and I were introduced to, so we never knew it wasn't program. If you live in the lie long enough, you believe it. The 'fear factor' was so instilled in us that we didn't dare go against what we were told to do, so we ignored all the 'red flags.' These Sponsors instilled humility by publicly humiliating us from the podium, yelling and screaming what 'no goods' we were.
"Thanks to a Higher Power, we don't live like that anymore. We are a family in recovery,not only from the disease before we found program,but also from the disease of those Sponsors and those meetings. We have healthy sponsorship today,helping us move on and start living life. They are cheerleaders in our recovery. Our newfound freedom has truly made us happy, joyous, and free." By Anonymous in Southern California
"I am responding to the Al-Anon member who wrote the article titled, "I Felt Abandoned." In my opinion, she should run, not walk, to different meetings and look for people who have what she wants. In Al-Anon we are supposed to work on giving up control,NOT on controlling others! I also suggest she share her story with a healthy longtimer who could contact the District Representative in that area regarding that meeting. A DR may be able to have an impact on the group." By Joanne C., Pennsylvania
". . . I shared your letter with a newcomer who doesn't have a Sponsor yet. She said your experience made her angry and she put off looking for a Sponsor. She had trouble believing your story could be true. Fortunately for us, the group we attend is a real Al-Anon group with no 'musts' or 'shoulds' or 'advice.' "Our group stresses to newcomers the importance of reading Al-Anon's Conference Approved Literature and I wondered whether the group you attended had the leaflet on sponsorship [Sponsorship, What It's All About (P-31)]. Your letter doesn't mention the use of CAL, which focuses on solutions rather than problems. Could that have helped? On reflection I know my growth would have been painful and slow if it were not for reading Al-Anon literature for myself. "When things don't seem to be getting better in our lives and/or in our groups, it is time to reread the Steps, Traditions, Concepts of Service, and slogans, as well as share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. When anyone, anywhere inquires about or expresses interest in Al-Anon, I want the healing and helping power of Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature to be there,and let that begin with me." By Catherine
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